So I woke up at the crack of dawn and had the opportunity to relish the silence, before the young 'uns get up and tune into SCHOOL BREAK SPECIAL AT LOUD LOUD LOUD VOLUMES. I utilized the silence to channel some narcissism: flipping through my blog for my older posts.
It feels slightly weird reading about myself from a 3rd person point of view, but when read at one go my life from this moment all the way back to July, I could sense my the different times of my life and how I once held varying perspectives, priorities, and of course, writing styles. Here's evidence:
Excerpt #1 - March 22, Thursday
"...Many dealings with newly made friends or old acquaintances were often limited to friendly condescensions and that inevitable bickering, or circulation of news, movies, jokes; never really too sincere, nor personal. This were the kind of conversations where you find yourself silent once the huge mutual HA-HA-HA roaring passed and static is in the air again. Effort has to be made and it is certainly felt. Plus, it often concerns more then two people..."
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Excerpt #2 - April 05, Thursday
"...This is Christina Ricci. Who happens to have bangs like mine. She makes it look hot and polished, and it so very clearly defines her impeccable jawline and cheekbones. And because I have eyes half her size, my above-eyebrows fringe further defines my chinese-ness and took youthfulness a tad further, so I effectively look like a rural China schoolgirl who's never heard of the internet..."
Excerpt #3 - April 24, Tuesday
"...I was lying on my bed reading when my baby sister noisily barged into my room. A reprimand was at the tip of my tongue when she'd promptly came and lay beside me. I had just showered so the air was filled with the sickly sweet scent of warm soap. She took a whiff and exclaimed, 'u smell soo good!', then without a hint she gave me a messy kiss and exclaimed again in an awe-filled voice, little fingers twirling strands of my hair, 'I wish I were older so I can be like you!'. She left the room as quickly and noisily as she entered..."
Excerpt #4 - May 07, Monday
"...Fast forward to right now, two weeks prior to the end of my entire pre-U studies, I am still waiting for that eureka moment where I'll suddenly just know what I want to do. But instead I remain petulantly angry and baffled that we are made to decide what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the age of 19. I don't even have a favourite movie yet, and I just indulged myself in a rather angsty argument with my father detailing how my lack of direction today is all his fault. And I am supposed to pick a career?..."
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Excerpt #5 - June 17, Sunday
"...Other than some oh-no-u-didn'ts and eyerolls from friends, along with an exorbitant amount of self-loathe churned together with starry-eyed optimism, I can very reassuringly say that I still don't know if Big is here to stay..."
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Excerpt #6 - June 21, Thursday
"...I loathe the term mood swing. It's so light, obsolete, thin - as if that sudden descend into the indeterminate void is no more a mere stumble than the excruciating plummet that it actually is. Yet everywhere I hear it. I even hear myself saying it sometimes. But what is there to swing? What if that godawful mood just keeps plunging and you get this sinking feeling that it'll NEVER swing back up, then is it still just a mood swing? Or a rapid fall into insanity?..."
Excerpt #7 - August 01, Wednesday
"...Oh, btw, if you see me on the streets, it'll probably be preceded with a VERY LOUD LAUGH. And a burp. But if I stay quiet my stilettos and (attempt at) tres chic
dressing will probably fool you into thinking that I am actually not gross..."
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The occasional grimacing aside, this trip down memory lane had been beneficial in restoring my belief that I am capable of occasionally giving birth to above-par writings, even if it takes 10 below-pars to achieve that 1 good piece. (Bet Tolstoy had an arsenal of blunders before he wrote War and Peace, and it scarce matters since none of them but War and Peace is remembered! And maybe Anna Karenina.)