ummm it's been ages, but let's hope i can fall back into writing as smoothly as possible, and start over without all those picture-story shit. Why had I needed to divert from words and used pixels instead?
Had a thought about a private blog, but it's 3am and I just wana write, curtained or exposed.
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Here we go -- I haven't written in almost half a year, whether it was in this blog, or in whatever personal/creative endeavours (minus work and college apps), so some transitions might be jagged, but I never went to lit class anyway.
Writing always makes me think and presses me to shuffle my thoughts, so I suppose I haven't been thinking straight, nor have I wanted to...until now.
Another thing writing does is pushing me to evaluate the current.
In concrete, I hang in limbo as I await the end of the month when my decision letters (I am still not comfortable calling them 'acceptance letters' as Jer does, as there lurks a very real fear of having small envelopes in the mail) arrive, allowing me to know where I'll be spending my next four years, at the very least. In abstract, of late I have always felt...like I am in a perpetual limbo, as well. Worse, in this limbo also exists a pendulum on which I sway, back and forth.
There's what I want, and what I should want; and in the event of them being two very different things, I am usually fucked. I have always (tried to) lived and let live, constantly trying to better come to terms with me not being able to lay out the perfect setting of any/everything I want. But still. I'd like to think I CAN to an extent manipulate life/destiny/karma/fate into presenting a scenario close to my fantasies -- but, when should I stop?
People talk to me -- yakking nonstop on the superficial level and from the sweeping perspectives of 'principles', as if its supposedly one-size-fits-all. Do they think it makes them look smarter, more articulate, by ending their sentences with 'it all comes down to your principles then'? How did THEY come to acquire their 'principles' in the first place anyway?
Anyway, I am annoyed to no end today, firstly by the aforemention political correctness and secondly by my own tendency to sway between extremes; and worse, tonight I am not articulate enough to word my thoughts.
Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, and also try to come home from work earlier than midnight.
Posted at 04:01 am by Vivacia
